Having tired of living in "Rip-off Britain" and having seen the benefits of life Down Under, but lacking the requisite skills demanded by the Australian authorities, I am currently seeking an Australian couple who wish to adopt.

This seems to be the only route left to me, bearing in mind that the UK is unlikely to reintroduce deportation to the Colonies.

Although I could be considered rather old for adoption, I do have my advantages. For one thing, I won't grow out of my clothes. From what I've seen, I eat approximately 40% less than most Australian children, and I haven't had a temper tantrum for at least 32 years. Given internet access or a good book, you will hardly notice I'm there. Additionally, I will look after the family pets properly and not just pretend I have fed them.

Please give the matter your full consideration. I look forward to hearing from you. Don't all rush at once.